The Fifth Elephant

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 9780061806759

Category: Fiction

Page: 464

View: 6705

Everyone knows that the world is flat, and supported on the backs of four elephants. But weren't there supposed to be five? Indeed there were. So where is it?... When duty calls. Commander Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork constabulary answers. Even when he doesn't want to. He's been "invited" to attend a royal function as both detective and diplomat. The one role he relishes; the other requires, well, ruby tights. Of course where cops (even those clad in tights) go, alas, crime follows. An attempted assassination and a theft soon lead to a desperate chase from the low halls of Discworld royalty to the legendary fat mines of Uberwald, where lard is found in underground seams along with tusks and teeth and other precious ivory artifacts. It's up to the dauntless Vimes -- bothered as usual by a familiar cast of Discworld inhabitants (you know, trolls, dwarfs, werewolves, vampires and such) -- to solve the puzzle of the missing pachyderm. Which of course he does. After all, solving mysteries is his job.
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The Fifth Elephant

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper

ISBN: 9780062280138

Category: Fiction

Page: 464

View: 9446

Everyone knows that the world is flat and supported on the backs of four elephants. But weren't there supposed to be five? Indeed there were. So where is it? When duty calls, Commander Vimes of the Ankh-Morpork constabulary answers—even if he doesn't want to. Now, he's been invited to attend a royal function as both detective and diplomat. The one role he relishes; the other requires, well, ruby tights. Of course, where cops (even those clad in tights) go, alas, crime follows. An attempted assassination and a theft soon lead to a desperate chase from the low halls of Discworld royalty to the legendary fat mines of Uberwald, where lard is found in underground seams along with tusks and teeth and other precious ivory artifacts. It's up to the dauntless Vimes—bothered as usual by a familiar cast of Discworld inhabitants (you know, trolls, dwarfs, werewolves, vampires, and such)—to solve the puzzle of the missing pachyderm. Which, of course, he will . . . after all, solving mysteries is his job.
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The Fifth Elephant

(Discworld Novel 24)

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Random House

ISBN: 1407035207

Category: Fiction

Page: 464

View: 3445

They say that diplomacy is a gentle art. That mastering it is a lifetime's work. But you do need a certain inclination in that direction. It's not something you can just pick up on the job. A few days ago Sam Vimes was a copper – an important copper, true – chief of police – but still, at his core, a policeman. But today he is an ambassador - to the mysterious, fat-rich country of Uberwald. Today, Sam Vimes is also a man on the run. He has nothing but his native wit and the gloomy trousers of Uncle Vanya (don't ask). It's snowing. It's freezing. And if he can't make it through the forest to civilization there's going to be a terrible war. There are monsters on his trail. They're bright. They're fast. They're werewolves - and they're catching up.
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Feet of Clay

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper

ISBN: 9780062275516

Category: Fiction

Page: 400

View: 4507

It's murder in Discworld!—which ordinarily is no big deal. But what bothers Watch Commander Sir Sam Vimes is that the unusual deaths of three elderly Ankh-Morporkians do not bear the clean, efficient marks of the Assassins' Guild. An apparent lack of any motive is also quite troubling. All Vimes has are some tracks of white clay and more of those bothersome "clue" things that only serve to muck up an investigation. The anger of a fearful populace is already being dangerously channeled toward the city's small community of golems—the mindless, absurdly industrious creatures of baked clay, who can occasionally be found toiling in the city's factories. And certain highly placed personages are using the unrest as an excuse to resurrect a monarchy—which would be bad enough even if the "king" they were grooming wasn't as empty-headed as your typical animated pottery.
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Snuff

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 0062097865

Category: Fiction

Page: 480

View: 4779

“Pratchett . . . has a satirist's instinct for the absurd and a cartoonist's eye for the telling detail." —Daily Telegraph (London) “The purely funniest English writer since Wodehouse.” —Washington Post Book World Sam Vimes, watch commander of Ankh-Morpork, is at long last taking a much-needed (and well deserved) vacation. But, of course, this is Discworld®, where nothing goes as planned—and before Vimes can even change his cardboard-soled boots for vacationer’s slippers, the gruff watch commander soon finds himself enmeshed in a fresh fiasco fraught with magic, cunning, daring, and (for the reader more than for poor Vimes) endless hilarity. Did he really expect time off? As Vimes himself says in Feet of Clay, “there’s some magical creature called ‘overtime,’ only no one’s even seen its footprints.” Following the New York Times bestselling Unseen Academichals, Terry Pratchett delivers an enthralling new tale from a place of insuperable adventure: Discworld. Discworld® is a registered trademark.
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Dragons at Crumbling Castle

And Other Tales

Author: Terence David John Pratchett,Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

ISBN: 0544466594

Category: Juvenile Fiction

Page: 352

View: 959

An illustrated collection of 14 short stories—featuring "dragons and wizards, councilors and mayors, an adventurous tortoise and a monster in a lake, along with plenty of pointy hats and a few magic spells"— was written when the author was a teenaged newspaper reporter. 50,000 first printing.
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How to Swear Around the World

Author: Jay Sacher

Publisher: Chronicle Books

ISBN: 1452121834

Category: Humor

Page: 128

View: 9097

This essential phrasebook collects the most colorful, explicit, and outrageous ways to tell people off in every part of the world. Featuring dozens of different languages, the sayings range from everyday swears to family curses to expressions for X-rated relations with animals. Phonetic pronunciation is provided so that readers can curse like a native, and handy illustrations provide visual guides to these foreign exclamations. Perfect for the international traveler who may need to wish an enemy a painful death, insult a person's grandmother, or accuse someone's mother of having intimate relations with bears in the forest.
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Thief of Time

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 9780061808593

Category: Fiction

Page: 432

View: 1710

Everybody wants more time, which is why on Discworld only the experts can manage it -- the venerable Monks of History who store it and pump it from where it's wasted, like underwater (how much time does a codfish really need?), to places like cities, where busy denizens lament, "Oh where does the time go?" While everyone always talks about slowing down, one young horologist is about to do the unthinkable. He's going to stop. Well, stop time that is, by building the world's first truly accurate clock. Which means esteemed History Monk Lu-Tze and his apprentice Lobsang Ludd have to put on some speed to stop the timepiece before it starts. For if the Perfect Clock starts ticking, Time -- as we know it -- will end. And then the trouble will really begin...
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Guards! Guards!: The Play

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Random House

ISBN: 144811053X

Category: Fiction

Page: 208

View: 6191

Terry Pratchett's infamous city of Ankh-Morpork is under threat from a 60-foot fire-breathing dragon, summoned by a secret society of malcontented tradesmen. Defending Ank-Morpork against this threat is the entire, underpaid, undervalued City Night Watch - a drunken and world-weary Captain, a cowardly and overweight Sergeant, a small opportunistic Corporal of dubious parentage...and their newest recruit, Lance Constable Carrot, who is upright, literal, law-abiding and keen. Aiding them in their fight for truth, justice and the Ankh-Morporkian way are a small swamp dragon and the Librarian of Unseen University (who just happens to be an orang-utan).
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The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 0062193996

Category: Fiction

Page: 384

View: 8226

For more than two decades, Terry Pratchett has been regaling readers with tales of Discworld—a flat world balanced on the backs of four elephants, which are standing on the back of a giant turtle, flying through space. It is a world populated by ineffectual wizards and sharp-as-tacks witches, by tired policemen and devious dictators, by reformed thieves and vampires who have sworn to drink no blood. It is a world that is vastly different from our own . . . except when it isn't. Now, in The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld, various nuggets of Pratchett's witty commentary and sagacious observations have been compiled by Pratchett expert Stephen Briggs, a man who, they say, knows even more about Discworld than Terry Pratchett. Within these pages, you'll find musings on: Interior decorating: "It's a fact known throughout the universes that no matter how carefully the colors are chosen, institutional decor ends up as either vomit green, unmentionable brown, nicotine yellow, or surgical appliance pink. By some little-understood process of sympathetic resonance, corridors painted in those colors always smell slightly of boiled cabbage—even if no cabbage is ever cooked in the vicinity." (Equal Rites) Travel: "Any seasoned traveler soon learns to avoid anything wished on them as a 'regional speciality,' because all the term means is that the dish is so unpleasant the people living everywhere else will bite off their own legs rather than eat it. But hosts still press it upon distant guests anyway: 'Go on, have the dog's head stuffed with macerated cabbage and pork noses—it's a regional speciality.'" (The Last Continent) Young men: "And then there was the young male walk. At least women swung only their hips. Young men swung everything, from the shoulders down. You have to try to occupy a lot of space. It makes you look bigger, like a tomcat fluffing his tail. The boys tried to walk big in self-defense against all those other big boys out there. I'm bad, I'm fierce, I'm cool, I'd like a pint of shandy and me mam wants me home by nine." (Monstrous Regiment) Class: "'Old money' meant that it had been made so long ago that the black deeds that had originally filled the coffers were now historically irrelevant. Funny, that; a brigand for a father was something you kept quiet about, but a slave-taking pirate for a great-great-great-grandfather was something to boast of over the port. Time turned the evil bastards into rogues, and rogue was a word with a twinkle in its eye and nothing to be ashamed of." (Making Money) . . . and more! Culled from all the Discworld novels, The Wit and Wisdom of Discworld confirms Pratchett's place in the pantheon of great satirists and proves why the Chicago Tribune has praised his Discworld as "entertaining and gloriously funny . . . an accomplishment nothing short of magical."
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Dodger

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 0062190156

Category: Young Adult Fiction

Page: 368

View: 1114

Beloved and bestselling author Sir Terry Pratchett's Dodger, a Printz Honor Book, combines high comedy with deep wisdom in a tale of one remarkable boy's rise in a fantasy-infused Victorian London. Seventeen-year-old Dodger is content as a sewer scavenger. But he enters a new world when he rescues a young girl from a beating, and her fate impacts some of the most powerful people in England. From Dodger's encounter with the mad barber Sweeney Todd, to his meetings with the great writer Charles Dickens and the calculating politician Benjamin Disraeli, history and fantasy intertwine in a breathtaking account of adventure and mystery.
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The World of Poo

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Doubleday

ISBN: 0385538251

Category: Fiction

Page: 128

View: 615

A charming tale for people of all ages (but especially for young Sam Vimes) from the pen of Miss Felicity Beedle, Discworld's premier children's author. From Snuff: 'Vimes' prompt arrival got a nod of approval from Sybil, who gingerly handed him a new book to read to Young Sam. Vimes looked at the cover. The title was The World of Poo. When his wife was out of eyeshot he carefully leafed through it. Well, okay, you had to accept that the world had moved on and these days fairy stories were probably not going to be about twinkly little things with wings. As he turned page after page, it dawned on him that whoever had written this book, they certainly knew what would make kids like Young Sam laugh until they were nearly sick. The bit about sailing down the river almost made him smile. But interspersed with the scatology was actually quite interesting stuff about septic tanks and dunnakin divers and gongfermors and how dog muck helped make the very best leather, and other things that you never thought you would need to know, but once heard somehow lodged in your mind.'
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Seriously Funny

The Endlessly Quotable Terry Pratchett

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Random House

ISBN: 1473541883

Category: Humor

Page: 128

View: 2953

‘I’ll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box when there’s evidence of any thinking going on inside it.’ The most quotable writer of our time, Terry Pratchett’s unique brand of wit made him both a bestseller and an enduring, endearing source of modern wisdom. This collection is filled with his funniest and most memorable words about life, the universe and snoring.
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The Shepherd's Crown

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: HarperCollins

ISBN: 006242999X

Category: Young Adult Fiction

Page: 304

View: 8292

Terry Pratchett's final Discworld novel, and the fifth to feature the witch Tiffany Aching. A SHIVERING OF WORLDS Deep in the Chalk, something is stirring. The owls and the foxes can sense it, and Tiffany Aching feels it in her boots. An old enemy is gathering strength. This is a time of endings and beginnings, old friends and new, a blurring of edges and a shifting of power. Now Tiffany stands between the light and the dark, the good and the bad. As the fairy horde prepares for invasion, Tiffany must summon all the witches to stand with her. To protect the land. Her land. There will be a reckoning. . . . THE FINAL DISCWORLD® NOVEL
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Unseen Academicals

Author: Stephen Briggs,Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Oberon Books

ISBN: 1783196939

Category: Drama

Page: 128

View: 3685

‘Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Ankh-Morpork, where we lay our scene...’ Football divides the city. Each area has its own team – and rivalry means supporters never mix. Until a Dimwell fan falls for a Dolly Sisters girl. And now an ancient bequest means the wizards of Unseen University must win a football match, without using magic. Luckily they’re coached by the mysterious Mr Nutt (and no one knows anything much about Mr Nutt, not even Mr Nutt, which worries him, too). As the match approaches, four lives are entangled and changed forever. Because the thing about football – the important thing about football – is that it is not just about football. As all children know, the way you get into a fantasy world is by accident... You go into the wardrobe, looking for somewhere to hide and – bingo. And that’s how Stephen Briggs found Discworld. In 1990, he wrote to ask Terry if he could stage Wyrd Sisters. That was the first time anyone, anywhere in the world, had dramatised Terry’s work. He had no idea it would go any further than one play (possibly two). But it did. So far, he has now adapted, staged and published twenty-two plays. He and Terry also worked together to produce the original Discworld Maps and Diaries, Nanny Ogg's Cookbook, The Discworld Companion (now called Turtle RecallThe Wit & Wisdom of Discworld.
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The Light Fantastic

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 9780061801150

Category: Fiction

Page: 288

View: 811

Terry Pratchett's profoundly irreverent, bestselling novels have garnered him a revered position in the halls of parody next to the likes of Mark Twain, Kurt Vonnegut, Douglas Adams, and Carl Hiaasen. In The Light Fantastic, only one individual can save the world from a disastrous collision. Unfortunately, the hero happens to be the singularly inept wizard Rincewind, who was last seen falling off the edge of the world.
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Jingo

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper

ISBN: 9780062280206

Category: Fiction

Page: 464

View: 371

It isn't much of an island that rises up one moonless night from the depths of the Circle Sea—just a few square miles of silt and some old ruins. Unfortunately, the historically disputed lump of land called Leshp is once again floating directly between Ankh-Morpork and the city of Al-Khali on the coast of Klatch—which is spark enough to ignite that glorious international pastime called "war." Pressed into patriotic service, Commander Sam Vimes thinks he should be leading his loyal watchmen, female watchdwarf, and lady werewolf into battle against local malefactors rather than against uncomfortably well-armed strangers in the Klatchian desert. But war is, after all, simply the greatest of all crimes—and it's Sir Samuel's sworn duty to seek out criminal masterminds wherever they may be hiding and lock them away before they can do any real damage . . . even the ones on his side.
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Men at Arms

A Novel of Discworld

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Harper Collins

ISBN: 0061804711

Category: Fiction

Page: 432

View: 2273

A Young Dwarf's Dream Corporal Carrot has been promoted! He's now in charge of the new recruits guarding Ankh-Morpork, Discworld's greatest city, from Barbarian Tribes, Miscellaneous Marauders, unlicensed Thieves, and such. It's a big job, particularly for an adopted dwarf. But an even bigger job awaits. An ancient document has just revealed that Ankh-Morpork, ruled for decades by Disorganized crime, has a secret sovereign! And his name is Carrott... And so begins the most awesome epic encounter of all time, or at least all afternoon, in which the fate of a city—indeed of the universe itself!—depends on a young man's courage, an ancient sword's magic, and a three-legged poodle's bladder.
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Where's My Cow?

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Random House

ISBN: 038560937X

Category: Children's stories

Page: 28

View: 2946

Sam Vimes tries a variation on the usual bedtime story he shares with his son.
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Guards! Guards!

Author: Terry Pratchett

Publisher: Gollancz

ISBN: 9781473200180

Category: Fiction

Page: 344

View: 3057

This is where the dragons went. They lie... not dead, not asleep, but... dormant. And although the space they occupy isn't like normal space, nevertheless they are packed in tightly. They could put you in mind of a can of sardines, if you thought sardines were huge and scaly. And presumably, somewhere, there's a key... GUARDS! GUARDS! is the 8th Discworld novel - and after this, dragons will never be the same again!
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